We continue the Superpower series with Empathy.

Superpower #3: Empathy

Empathy is defined as ‘the ability to take on another’s perspective, to understand, feel and possibly share and respond to their experience.’

Simply put, it’s the ability to put yourself in another person’s shoes.

Whilst sympathy entails the understanding of feelings from your own perspective, empathy gains you sharing and understanding from their perspective. With sympathy you feel for them, with empathy you feel with them.

For empathy to stand as a healthy superpower, seek to understand, place yourself in your shoes, but watch how far you immerse yourself to understand. Otherwise compassion fatigue sets in.

Measuring someone right

I love movies. And you know how some lines stick with you because they just resonate with you? Like, ‘I’m just a giirrrl, standing in front of a boy…’ Those who know will know😂😂Google it!

In this book adaptation movie, ‘A Raisin in the Sun’, Phylicia Rashad’s character says (paraphrased): Before you judge someone, consider the valleys and the hills they have been through.

No, let me do it justice: ‘when you starts measuring somebody, measure him right, child, measure him right. Make sure you done taken into account what hills and valleys he come through before he got to wherever he is.’

The only thing that freed and helped me reconcile my experience of and move on from an abusive relationship was when I took to an understanding of his childhood valleys, which were quite abysmal.

You see things as you are

Here’s a thing: Your perception is your projection. What you perceive of others is a projection of what’s going on in your internal world as a result of your own hills and valleys.

You see things as you are, not as they are. That’s human.

It’s a superpower to step outside of that. To not personalize other people’s experiences and feelings.

This ties empathy to vulnerability: when you don’t personalize what’s not personal to you, you create space for the other party to be personal about their own experiences!

My sister Tshephi recently had an experience that necessitated that she step into an empathy superwoman suit to reconcile a personal challenge she was facing.

I invited her to guest write her own experience and thoughts:

If you never truly understood the concept of extending grace coupled with the ability of genuinely forgiving others, empathy is your blueprint.

Understanding is a key ingredient of empathy, however, understanding does not mean allow mistreatment.

It allows you to create boundaries that lets other people know what you will not tolerate or accept.

I also realized that being empathetic can be a form of a coping mechanism, leaning towards unhealthy if we are not careful.

It’s less painful to think that someone did not really mean to hurt you because if they loved you, why would they do such a thing, compared to choosing to believe that they indeed meant to intentionally hurt you.

I recently went through a very challenging time with my partner. Faced the kind of challenges that had we not tapped into empathy, would have marked the end of our relationship.

There were questions around “am I really with the person I’m meant to spend the rest of my life with or am I meant to be with someone else?”

We were going through a make-or-break stage of relationships.

Having learned this through following psychologists and therapy, being in this stage made me personally realize how much of our childhood we carry into our adult lives, influencing how we show up in life, more specifically in romantic relationships.

Most of us are children in adult bodies.

Children who were emotionally neglected, grew up in unstable homes, were not loved the way they needed to be loved, who felt they could not have a say in anything, who grew up in financially challenged households.

Children who may have been physically and/or emotionally abused.

When you start seeing people in that light, then you get to understand why “hurt people hurt people”. It’s in seeing them in that light that allows you to be genuinely empathetic.

To see them as human.

As people also trying their best to navigate through this thing called life the best way they know how, having been dealt with the cards they have. We all need grace fam. Tshephi.

THE TAKE HOME

Now that we are aware of our tendency as human beings to personalize things, we need to make a conscious decision to stop ourselves when we feel we are drifting towards there.

Stop and say, outside of my own feelings and experiences about this, why is this person feeling this way or saying such and such? What informed their decision to have done that?

We should not only do this with adults, but with kids as well. We tend to immediately personalize with them because we low key think that they are an extension or mini versions of ourselves.

Empathy is the root of compassion, grace and forgiveness. The fruit is understanding and vulnerability of others in your presence, i.e. you being a safe space.

Be careful not to excuse mistreatment with empathy and understanding of a person’s circumstances.

Be careful not to use empathy as your drug of choice to escape conflict, or issues of neglect or abandonment.

Seek professional help where you need to.

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