Self-Love is not selfish, but the foundation of loving others
We are to love others as we love ourselves. Meaning we first love ourselves, and in the way that we love ourselves, we then love others.
Schools are divided on this self-first construct, but I’m not confused. Because this is how Scripture, my compass, puts it.
They say it’s selfish to be about yourself, to focus on your ‘self’. I ask, but who and what does one give of themself if they haven’t filled that first? From which cup do they pour love out?
You can’t give what you don’t have.
It’s one thing to love yourself just for the sake of loving yourself. And that’s when we have a problem.
But the Bible puts it clearly: you love yourself so that you can love others.
When you commit to taking the time to love yourself, it shows that you’re ready to commit to loving on others by how you’re now positioned, mentally and physically, to serve them in your different roles.
For me, this makes self-love a luxurious necessity, and not a frivolity. Nothing wrong with indulging in what needs to be done.
There are different kinds of love, beyond the scope of this discussion, but where we’re commanded to love others as we love ourselves, scripture refers to agapē love.
This is the one we’re to love everybody with in addition to the other ones appropriate for the relationship.
So, what is self-agapē? What does loving myself mean? I was wondering this myself.
Well, only the famous scripture on agapē love can do this question justice. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8.
The interesting thing is that the context of this passage is our gifts/callings and their use in the service of others, to say that if you use them excellently but do not have love, it’s all in vain.
If the motivation behind your excellence is not love for others, it’s all for nothing. It’s not me, it’s the sweet Word.
If the motivation behind your self-loving is ultimately not love for others, it’s in vain. You’ll be loving yourself but alienated from others.
So, this is what I grab from 1 Cor 13, with the premise that self-love is ultimately self-less, loving yourself means:
💛Being patient and at peace with yourself
💛Being established in your own identity and purpose so that you won’t be jealous or envious of others
💛Building up a healthy sense of self-worth and self-esteem. When you have this, you won’t need to brag or be arrogant to others.
💛Managing your emotions (particularly anger because primitively, it’s meant to threaten away, and it still does) – unchecked emotions affect our actions, our actions affect our outcomes, our outcomes are our lives.
💛Recognizing that you’re not your mistakes; not counting your mistakes as disqualifiers; being forgiving of and compassionate to yourself.
💛Not accepting negative thoughts and beliefs about what you deserve or are worthy of, but recognizing what is truthfully and rightfully yours. Clarifying your identity greatly helps here.
💛You bear all things about yourself, accepting yourself, flaws and all. This amounts to radical self-acceptance! Now that’s something.
💛Believing in yourself and in the best of you; that God gave you what it takes to get the job done; that you matter and what you have to say matters; that nobody else can be you or do you – you have value.
💛Being hopeful of and about yourself, giving yourself the benefit of the doubt; always keeping yourself in the game even when it’s hard, and doing the work; not writing yourself off, because again, you have what it takes – God in you.
💛Never giving up on yourself; never letting ‘failure’ define you but taking it as necessary learning/feedback.
1 Corinthians 13 also gently guides us in how we ought to love ourselves, so we can love and serve others.
Love who and what you see when you look in the mirror, unconditionally.
At its core, self-love is not self-seeking…It is the same love that you love yourself with, that you love others with. If you don’t want to love yourself it means you don’t want to love others.
This is the circle of love: You love yourself to give love to others to receive love from others unto yourself.
And those elements about you that you feel are not self-loving, compassionately and patiently work at turning them around to radically loving yourself.
After all, love is a becoming and doing, and not just a feeling.
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