How I turbo-charged my personal growth – A Superpower Series: #6 Apologizing to kids
Get in Touch How I turbo-charged my personal growth – A Superpower Series: #6 Apologizing to Kids ‘My child can do no wrong unless I’ve done some wrong’. Warning: This may be a bit triggering.Ā Superpower # 6: Apologizing to Kids Let’s face it, apologizing is super hard, you feel your chest refusing and yourself low key sweating.š° Our egos hardly ever allow us to apologize readily. Apologizing to your kids? That’s another beast. It takes a high level of humility and vulnerability. You’re older than them, so how could you possibly be wrong? There’s this idea in our African traditional contexts that an older person should not be corrected.š¤·š½āāļø Many times we see ourselves in our kids, see them as an extension of ourselves. And as a kid, no one apologized to you, so you don’t even think to, or you don’t know how. Your inner child takes over and says well, if nobody apologized to me, why would I apologize to this one. I know parents love the scripture that says kids should honor their parents, but they often neglect to continue to a later verse in the same passage: Fathers (parents), do not exasperate/provoke your kids! I have exasperated my kid more times than I care to count, and I’m not proud of that. I’ve been exasperated many times by the rents myself. The offenses range from not paying attention, not keeping promises, controlling behavior, emotional neglect, and punishments to serious reactions from being triggered as a parent. If getting beaten up for punishment as a kid left you with a safe, loving and trusting relationship with your parents or yourself and others, then by all means, please continue hitting your kid. If not, let’s learn, pivot and break such generational trauma together. I follow Dr Shefali, the therapist and conscious parenting guru. I’m learning a lot from her. She reminds us, and I agree, that our kids’ behavior is the fruit of a tree that grows in the soil that we parents form a huge part of. Others, mostly teachers, and the environment form the other parts. And add to that their immature cerebral formations and processes and you have plenty of good ground to explain that they are not aliens out to get us.š½ Their dysregulations are not personal attacks on us! They are simply a mirror to the source of our own dysregulations. Your perception is the projection of your inner world. As a parent, when you react to your kid because you got triggered for instance, you do so out of your own inner battles, traumas and stress. Any reaction that is born out of being negatively triggered, and we know when we are, is never a good idea. We shout, we lash out, we say words we regret, we throw a tantrum, we slap OUR traumas out of our kids, we take anything and we beat OUR pain out of our kids, we give them the silent treatment, we neglect them, we deprive them, we disown them. We inadvertently inflict a lot of harm on our kids, because we have not understood that 1, we played a big part in how they are now reacting by the way we are parenting them and projecting our issues onto them. And 2, they don’t yet have the cerebral functions to process things fully as they learn and explore. I want to emphasize that we always have good intentions with our parenting no matter the style, and we’re only doing the best with what we have or know. However good our intentions are, the harmful emotions are still experienced, and they often leave indelible scars and festering wounds as kids grow and become adults. What started me on my own transformation journey, was the realization that I had inflicted so much hurt on my kid because of my then unresolved childhood hurts. You wanna be aware of just how much pain and trauma you are carrying from your childhood? Have a child! But thank God for the kids of today, at some point she told me ‘I feel like nothing I do is good enough for you, I feel like you are taking your issues out on me.’ I’m not saying this so that if you have similar experiences you can beat yourself up. I’m saying it so we can start reparations, now that we know better. āØApologizing will validate their feelings and model to them what it looks like to take responsibility for your own mistakes. āØYou’ll strengthen, preserve and/or re-establish connection with your kid.šØāš©āš§āš¦ I don’t know about you, but my second biggest desired parenting outcome, after teaching her about God’s love and her own personal relationship with Him, is becoming a safe space for my child. The good Lord knows that was far removed from me when I was walking in self-unawareness. Now it’s a consciously crafted and documented goal with steps including apologizing. I’m still learning and tripping up, not down, but up. It’s a work in progress, and sometimes I forget to practice self-compassion and patience, but ‘a luta continua, vitĆ³ria Ć© certa!’āš¾ All of the superpowers will have you on the process of becoming a safe space for your kid. It’s called conscious or gentle parenting.šŖš¾ The elements of an effective apology ‘I’m sorry’ just won’t cut it. An apology needs to be genuine and well constructed with elements that will make it effective. The late Dr A. Lazare, a psychiatrist & an apology expert, said a good apology has 4 elements: Acknowledge the offense. Take responsibility – I did this & that. Be specific and not vague or evasive. Acknowledge that your behavior was hurtful/unacceptable. And please I beg, drop IF out of an apology. I’m sorry if I hurt you??? Explain what happened. Explain why you did it, without making excuses for it, and without blaming them! Not ‘you were being rude, you were disrespectful.’ Express remorse. If you regret the error or feel awful or
How I turbo-charged my personal growth: Superpower #5 – Flexibility
Get in Touch How I turbo-charged my personal growth – A Superpower Series: #5 Flexibility “Adaptability equals survival.’ Superpower # 5: Flexibility Flexibility refers to the ability to accept, cope with, and adjust or adapt to stressful life events. It acts as a buffer between stress and negative psychological outcomes such as distress, depression and anxiety. It helps you become better at problem-solving and creativity. I’m fascinated by the palm plant. It grows so tall yet does not break in the midst of storms. Why? Well, have you seen what it does? It just graciously yields and bends to the direction of the wind. And when the wind passes, it sways right back into place. It’s even said its roots become stronger with every storm. Even in the strongest of storms, it will uproot instead of break. One of the factors that enables it its flexibility is its internal structure of spongy elastic tissue in stead of rigid wood. However, not all palms are created equal. It’s those that originate from hurricane prone areas that are the most resilient. This suggests that the flexibility and resilience evolves over time. If we are to learn from nature, we need to evolve into flexible beings. When faced with life’s winds and storms, this flexibility grants us survival and builds resilience. Ashby’s Law of Requisite Variety, can be applied to us as follows: In order to deal properly with the diversity of problems the world throws at you, you need to have a repertoire of responses which are (at least) as nuanced as the problems you face. How do we build flexibility?Ā First, take inventory of your beliefs. Are your rigid belief systems serving you in where you would like to take your life? Are they serving you in fostering healthy connections with your yourself, your kids, your spouse, etc.? How are you adapting to the changing societal landscape? If you are a millennial like me, how do you reach your kids in the context of their lives being tethered in social media and the internet? How do you get out of your office mentality and play at the arcade with your little ones? Do you need to embrace online dating? If you are a newly-wed, how are you adapting to suddenly having someone in your space everyday of the week, sharing your bed, your wardrobe and your oxygen? Do you need to pivot from your career? At any given point in time, you have 3 options when faced with a (potentially) stress-inducing situation: Accept it Change it or you Resist it I never wanna take the third option ever again. Change requires that something change. Move with the tide, not against it. An important thing to note though: the change that you embrace needs to be in line with your values and who you are. Otherwise you’ll break. Where flexibility starts is as a mindset that either says it is what it has to be, or I can’t stay the same or it can’t stay the same. Acceptance is not passive. You accept it as it is and as you are in the midst of it, and you positively reframe your thinking on it. E.g. failure vs feedback; loss vs what was not meant for me… Changing yourself may either be physically or mentally. Do you need to be physically stronger for this new job? Do you need to get healing to receive this new desired person in your life? So flexibility is also a mindset that accepts that the risk of stagnancy far outweighs the risk of taking the risk. That perhaps your health is at stake, your very life is at stake, your relationship, even your legacy. It is a mindset that says it’s totally OK for you to make the change, and that you deserve to make that change. It’s a mindset that says I’m taking the risk to flex even if things don’t pan out, I trust God. That, in the words of Marie Forleo, everything is figure-outable. I’ll learn, I’ll help to learn, I’ll ask for help, to figure it all out. I’ll be wise with my time and resources. I’ll prioritize who and what I need to. I’ll set boundaries, for myself and for others. It’s good when flexibility propels you forward. It shouldn’t be bending over backwards for someone. It shouldn’t have to come at the expense of your goals, health and/or safety. I’ll say this one thing though, flexibility is a whole lot easier and more fun when we’re self-aware, and healing of our limitations and strongholds. I’m a strong introvert who was just flexible enough to learn to be sociable. Lol, don’t get it twisted, I’m still a homebody. But, but, it is my goal to be out more.š I don’t like the limelight, when I’m there, it’s because it’s tied to a goal of me serving. I want you to sway to the dance of your reckoning new exciting goals and life, and go at it with faith and zeal. And because it will come with challenges, ‘when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance…’ THE TAKE HOME – Flexibility enables survival. – Flexibility builds resilience. – A flexible mind is curious and willing to take on new challenges with a smile. It is open to the discomfort of uncertainty. It can catapult you into exciting new territories with a knowing that it will be figured out. – Flexibility makes for faster and enhanced connections with your people. – Flexibility will help you let go of things and situations that are not for you, and start embracing the delicious things that are. – Importantly, flexibility should be within the ambit of your goals, values and identity. For reflection guides on this and other self-discovery topics,Ā Ā SUBSCRIBEĀ to our newsletter and receive this weekly inbox coaching. Other Blogs Another Love Language: Me-time Clarify Your Identity, Unleash Your Authentic Life Low Sense of Self-Worth Could be Keeping You
How I turbo-charged my personal growth: Superpower #4: Forgiveness
Get in Touch How I turbo-charged my personal growth: Superpower #4 – Forgiveness In the previous 3 superpower series post I spoke about self-awareness, vulnerability & empathy. We continue with #4, forgiveness. SUPERPOWER # 4: Forgiveness Psychology defines forgiveness as ‘willfully putting aside feelings of resentment toward someone who has committed a wrong, been unfair or hurtful, or otherwise harmed you in some way.’ And that is regardless of whether they apologize or not, or whether they submit an adequate apology or not. Yes, if some elements of information are absent from your apology, it may be hard for them to forgive. But we’re not talking about apologizing today. Another definition, more biblically inclined, is that it means not holding a sin against a person any more. I like the analogy that when you don’t forgive someone and hold a grudge against them, you keep yourself in a prison, and they guard your prison door. So you’re both at prison, but they’re free to come and go at certain times. Another one says it’s like you drink poison and expect your offender to die a slow painful death.š¤·š½āāļø I believe there are stages to forgiveness, especially in the absence of an apology. The stages I passed through were: Awareness & acknowledgement of the hurt Acknowledging it wasn’t my fault, but that I still needed to forgive myself Empathizing with the offender Making a conscious decision to verbalize to myself ‘I forgive them/you, and I release them/you’ Dissipation of anger with more and more processing Final difficult step: the psychological definition – releasing emotions of resentment or vengeance towards them Perhaps you’ve gone through different stages to mine. Please share those with me. I found you can’t hide feelings of resentment underneath respect and gratitude towards someone. I was angry for the longest time at people who hurt me. When the anger dissipated, I had to reflect on why I still had issues around those people. This resentment had remained despite my conscious decision to say ‘I forgive’ and to release the anger. And this is where confusion can set in, when you know but don’t feel like you have forgiven. I suppose because: Anger roarrrs and you can easily identify it Resentment be quiet and hidden like a mouse My objective was that I desired a healthy relationship with these people, so I was not going to allow myself to operate subconsciously in that resentment and hurt. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you can trust them now, their future behavior will tell. Forgiving someone doesn’t necessarily mean you should allow them back into your space again. You can give them the gift of space to work on their healing and repentance, and love them from afar. Forgiveness is not forgetting that the event happened. It’s letting your mind and your body forget the pain of the event. Forgive & forget? I often wondered if God so endowed me with a powerful memory storing mind, how do I forget? I can’t exactly selectively delete events from my memory. It’s that your mind and your body/entire neurology have to forget the pain and discomfort of fight, flight or freeze. But your conscious mind shouldn’t forget, lest you fail to recognize, š¶here comes that same old pain againš¶ Sort of like a woman giving birth? They say she doesn’t forget the labour but the pain so that she goes again. And, Bible scholars please correct me if I’m wrong, nowhere in the Bible are we instructed to forgive and forget. Only forgive. Maybe that you need to forgive 70×7 times means one develops some sort of amnesia, I don’t know. But let’s move on: When you decide to forgive someone whom you choose to still allow into your space, you can’t keep on hammering them with the sin they committed. That’s a superpower. You can’t forget it, but you can’t bring it up! You can bring up how you’re feeling and where you’re at, but not what they did. This is from a more advanced personal growth point of view. Take your time processing, but I highly suggest you communicate at each stage in your forgiveness process. Otherwise you’ll reach a stalemate in your relationship. And then, please buckle up for this one: I came to the epiphany that I needed to forgive God as my Father! Between me and Him, there were unmet expectations, the no’s and the not yet’s, the discipline, the losses and the grieving of loved ones. However you want to reason against it, and maybe rightfully so, these left me with resentment and anger towards Him. And at times I acted out. Many times we focus on God being just God, and not on Him being a Father whom, you as His child, have a relationship with. I realized, if I needed to forgive my earthly father for the times I felt hurt by him, and if God is my Father and I felt hurt (emphasis is on an emotion and not His intentions and will) ‘by Him’, then it stood to reason that I needed to forgive Him. That was the most liberating thought and feeling ever. In coaching, I’ve spoken to people holding resentment towards God because of grief and other losses. Well, something’s gotta give. If this doesn’t scare you, or speak against your spirit, I dare you try it. Say Lord, I know You only have my best interest at heart, but those things right there, those hurt, and I developed resentment towards You. I forgive You, thanks for forgiving me. On the flipside of the forgiveness coin is when you need to be forgiven. I find one of the most challenging aspects is forgiving yourself. I wasn’t even aware I was walking in unforgiveness towards myself. It’s easier to forgive others, but you? Another story. Because: We generally tend to be so hard on ourselves and, We generally don’t look inwards to see that we are telling ourselves horrible stories
How I turbo-charged my personal growth: Superpower #3: Empathy
Get in Touch How I turbo-charged my personal growth – A Superpower Series: #3 Empathy We continue the Superpower series with Empathy. Superpower #3: Empathy Empathy is defined as ‘the ability to take on another’s perspective, to understand, feel and possibly share and respond to their experience.’ Simply put, it’s the ability to put yourself in another person’s shoes. Whilst sympathy entails the understanding of feelings from your own perspective, empathy gains you sharing and understanding from their perspective. With sympathy you feel for them, with empathy you feel with them. For empathy to stand as a healthy superpower, seek to understand, place yourself in your shoes, but watch how far you immerse yourself to understand. Otherwise compassion fatigue sets in. Measuring someone right I love movies. And you know how some lines stick with you because they just resonate with you? Like, ‘I’m just a giirrrl, standing in front of a boy…’ Those who know will knowššGoogle it! In this book adaptation movie, ‘A Raisin in the Sun’, Phylicia Rashad’s character says (paraphrased): Before you judge someone, consider the valleys and the hills they have been through. No, let me do it justice: ‘when you starts measuring somebody, measure him right, child, measure him right. Make sure you done taken into account what hills and valleys he come through before he got to wherever he is.’ The only thing that freed and helped me reconcile my experience of and move on from an abusive relationship was when I took to an understanding of his childhood valleys, which were quite abysmal. You see things as you are Here’s a thing: Your perception is your projection. What you perceive of others is a projection of what’s going on in your internal world as a result of your own hills and valleys. You see things as you are, not as they are. That’s human. It’s a superpower to step outside of that. To not personalize other people’s experiences and feelings. This ties empathy to vulnerability: when you don’t personalize what’s not personal to you, you create space for the other party to be personal about their own experiences! My sister Tshephi recently had an experience that necessitated that she step into an empathy superwoman suit to reconcile a personal challenge she was facing. I invited her to guest write her own experience and thoughts: If you never truly understood the concept of extending grace coupled with the ability of genuinely forgiving others, empathy is your blueprint. Understanding is a key ingredient of empathy, however, understanding does not mean allow mistreatment. It allows you to create boundaries that lets other people know what you will not tolerate or accept. I also realized that being empathetic can be a form of a coping mechanism, leaning towards unhealthy if we are not careful. Itās less painful to think that someone did not really mean to hurt you because if they loved you, why would they do such a thing, compared to choosing to believe that they indeed meant to intentionally hurt you. I recently went through a very challenging time with my partner. Faced the kind of challenges that had we not tapped into empathy, would have marked the end of our relationship. There were questions around āam I really with the person Iām meant to spend the rest of my life with or am I meant to be with someone else?ā We were going through a make-or-break stage of relationships. Having learned this through following psychologists and therapy, being in this stage made me personally realize how much of our childhood we carry into our adult lives, influencing how we show up in life, more specifically in romantic relationships. Most of us are children in adult bodies. Children who were emotionally neglected, grew up in unstable homes, were not loved the way they needed to be loved, who felt they could not have a say in anything, who grew up in financially challenged households. Children who may have been physically and/or emotionally abused. When you start seeing people in that light, then you get to understand why āhurt people hurt peopleā. Itās in seeing them in that light that allows you to be genuinely empathetic. To see them as human. As people also trying their best to navigate through this thing called life the best way they know how, having been dealt with the cards they have. We all need grace fam. Tshephi. THE TAKE HOME Now that we are aware of our tendency as human beings to personalize things, we need to make a conscious decision to stop ourselves when we feel we are drifting towards there. Stop and say, outside of my own feelings and experiences about this, why is this person feeling this way or saying such and such? What informed their decision to have done that? We should not only do this with adults, but with kids as well. We tend to immediately personalize with them because we low key think that they are an extension or mini versions of ourselves. Empathy is the root of compassion, grace and forgiveness. The fruit is understanding and vulnerability of others in your presence, i.e. you being a safe space. Be careful not to excuse mistreatment with empathy and understanding of a person’s circumstances. Be careful not to use empathy as your drug of choice to escape conflict, or issues of neglect or abandonment. Ā Seek professional help where you need to. Our newsletter contains reflection guides on various self-discovery and mental empowerment reflections, including this topic.Ā SUBSCRIBEĀ and receive this weekly inbox coaching. Other Blogs Another Love Language: Me-time Clarify Your Identity, Unleash Your Authentic Life Low Sense of Self-Worth Could be Keeping You Stuck Self-Love: How to walk it the 1 Corinthians 13 way How I turbo-charged my personal growth – A Superpower Series: #6 Apologizing to kids How I turbo-charged my personal growth: Superpower #5 – Flexibility Facebook Twitter LinkedIn Pinterest WhatsApp Email
How I turbo-charged my personal growth: Superpower #2: Vulnerability
Get in Touch How I turbo-charged my personal growth – A Superpower Series: #2 Vulnerability I hope you started with superpower #1 first and enjoyed getting to know yourself a bit, and got some pleasant surprises whilst at it! #Self-Awareness. The next superpower, vulnerability, flows right from it. Superpower #2: Vulnerability Vulnerability is the courage to be authentic, open and honest about your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. The definition that I like is ‘openness to attack/harm’ or ‘the willingness to risk harm’. For me, it takes the ultimate strength to do that. You present yourself to another person at least a layer bare, with no weapons of defense or attack, and you give that person a weapon to use against you. And many times they do use it against you! The funny thing vulnerability does though is that it strips receivers of weapons to use against you but, caveat, when you have de-weaponized them to yourself. I mentioned in the post about self-awareness that it gives you a platform for self compassion and self-forgiveness, the way to disempowering negative effects of your experiences, and the beginnings of inner freedom. Vulnerability allows you to stop hiding. It allows you to be your authentic self, greatness, flaws, imperfections and all, take it or leave it. You allow others to exercise their right of taking the real you or leaving the real you, which can only be good for you. In my opinion, the opposite of vulnerability is the tough bloody and sweaty business of pretense! I don’t know if it’s sustainable at soul level to not be your true self. When I started sharing some of my experiences openly, I allowed the other party to say ‘me too’ and start allowing healing to happen. I started experiencing inner freedom myself. You wanna turbocharge your relationship? Vulnerability with your partner is the foundation of intimacy, deep connection and trust. How is your partner going to know and practice your love languages if you’ve never opened up about them? Of course, thanks to self-introspection, you would have sat down and figured them out first. Vulnerability with your kids builds mutual respect, encourages open communication and enhances their emotional intelligence and sense of confidence. They see that they don’t have to hide. I knew I had to bite the bullet and let my kid in on why I decided to be in therapy, especially since she had been bearing the brunt of the harmful habits. Of course that doesn’t mitigate the effects, but it gave her the ability to put things into perspective and to be a little more forgiving. She says she’s considering being a therapist! Levels of vulnerability Your level of vulnerability will differ between your relationships. You peel back a layer with the people you choose to be open with, and even deeper layers with your kids. However, you should (ideally) eventually find yourself layer-less with your spouse. Maybe this is where you’ll hate me!š You’d have had to find yourself completely bare with yourself to begin with, circling back to self-awareness again. Vulnerability must first start with you. Should they betray your vulnerability in any way, yes it will sting, but it was not about them in the first place. It was about your freedom, your authenticity, your purpose mandate to express and walk in who you are in the world, and your mature desire to foster a deeper relationship with them. One flip side of the vulnerability coin is that you risk hurting the other party with your truth. You risk making your partner feel inadequate should you tell them you feel dissatisfied with how things are going. You risk increasing your diabetic parent’s sugar level if you tell them what happened to you as a kid. Again, the boldness is in standing for your truth, in the desire to start to heal, be it yourself or your relationship. It’s in the hope that this can only fortify your concerned relationship. It’s in having the confidence to say if they consistently reject my truth, then maybe they are not for me. Maybe they are not for my intimate space, and I can love love them from an emotional/physical distance. It may be that the world didn’t treat you well at some point and now you are distrusting and utterly afraid to open yourself and allow yourself to bloom. Can I submit to you that the pain of conforming to and hiding, even behind, what the world did to you far outweighs the pain of being vulnerable with someone. The flipside of it… The other flipside of vulnerability is you creating the space for others to be vulnerable with you. This is so challenging when it comes to parenting. Do you personalize things when someone attempts opening up to you? Do you get triggered and react inappropriately? Do you judge? Do you listen? Do you impose your own thoughts and beliefs? I know I struggled with this. Again, it takes self-discovery, healing and continued learning to be able to not focus on your own hurts and pains, because that’s what it is when you can’t create that space. THE TAKE HOME Vulnerability buys you freedom, emotional intimacy and healing. It costs a high price, but it yields a high prize. When you remove the power from the things you experienced that left you feeling disempowered (e.g. low self-worth, self-confidence and self-acceptance), no one can use them as weapons against you, not even yourself. You foster deep meaningful relationships, and you also give others the permission to stop hiding and to be themselves. Do you see how vulnerability is not a weakness? It is definitely not for the faint-hearted, but definitely for you. Because you reading up to this point is not a coincidence, you are telling the universe, bring it on. You are ready to turbocharge. Let’s go. Our newsletter contains notes on various self-discovery and mental empowerment reflections, including this topic.Ā SUBSCRIBEĀ and receive this weekly inbox coaching. Other Blogs Another
How I turbo-charged my personal growth – A Superpower Series: #1 Self-Awareness
Get in Touch How I turbo-charged my personal growth – A Superpower Series: #1 Self-Awareness Wish to boost your progress on your personal growth journey? These superpowers changed my life! You may love and/or hate me for these! Much love to you regardless!š Sure, there are more, after all, we are powerful beings, but for me, these interconnected 6 take top place: Self-awareness Vulnerability Empathy Forgiveness Flexibility Apologizing to Kids. I wanted to share all of them in one post but it proved impossible, I wasn’t gonna be doing them and you justice. So we’ll tackle one at a time, starting with Self-Awareness. Superpower #1: Self Awareness Self-awareness is the ability to understand your own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Where do they come from? What fuels them? Are they serving me? Are they serving others? By introspecting and reflecting, you gain clear and objective knowledge of yourself. It means sitting, most times uncomfortably, with yourself and having a 2-, even a 3-, way conversation with yourself. It involves being in tune with your identity, beliefs, values, dreams, strengths (abilities, gifts, talents, skills) and weaknesses. These elements become the calibration standards for your thoughts, emotions and actions when you are introspecting, enabling self-control. You’ll be able to answer: Am I on the right track for myself? Hey, just because I love singing in my shower doesn’t necessarily mean I can serve through song. My music minister friend Nqo will find it in her heart to say that to my face. And now I get hurt because I wasn’t aware of my lack of musical talent!š¤Ø I finally started becoming self-aware 7 years ago, at age 35. Commonly the age to do so. Nothing musical though. I got tired of repeating the same mistakes. Like biblical Paul, the things that I desired to do I didn’t do, and the things that I didn’t want to do, I did. I got burnt out at life! You realize you’re just on autopilot, with whatever is the issue at the wheel. The breaking point was that I had habits that were (mentally) hurtful to my kid. I remember not being able to face myself in the mirror. That was it. Then the uncomfortable questions… I had to sit down with myself and all versions of myself and face myself. Who/what was at the wheel? Why was I the way I was? Why did I say the things I said? Why did I say things how I said them? Initially the answers you get are superficial. I got no relief from them. That’s our minds telling us to dig even deeper. One superficial reason why I had difficulty receiving my friend Ro’s generous house gift was that I felt this would mean I owed something to someone. How absurd, it was a GIFT! See, no relief! The (real) deepest reason was that I did not feel worthy. Period. And on it went: What was the thought behind this action? What was the belief behind this thought? What was the thought behind this belief? What generated this belief? What entrenched this belief? What was I feeling before I did that? Why was I feeling the way I did? What generated the feeling in the first place? Ya, that was rock bottom, but I found the Rock at the bottom to catch my fall! A lot of tearful prayers, but times of empowerment. Deep introspection allowed me to come to myself, and get onto this beautiful journey of unconditionally accepting and marrying myself. Remember the prodigal son who came to himself and suddenly remembered who he was and whose he was? If your friends keep on saying something about your actions, stop and reflect. Is there truth there? If so, go deeper my friend. If you recall your exes telling you the same thing, stop and reflect. Is there a shred of truth there? Don’t let bitterness or hurt blind you to your blind spots. The beautiful thing about it is when you are ready to look at yourself, the time and the circumstances, painful most times, will present themselves. When the student is ready, the teacher/s appear/s. It may be in the form of eating with pigs, or your kids, or your coach. When it happens, take the bull by the horns. You got this! Why is it a superpower? What self-awareness does is that it lays the foundation for self-acceptance, self-compassion, self-forgiveness and self-love. We need to be overflowing with these before we can present ourselves to others. The minute they do, even by a drop, you can accept, forgive and love others as you love yourself. You’d have first gotten to a place where you de-weaponize your actions against yourself. Doesn’t mean you were not wrong where you were, it just means, even if you are not met with mercy, you are still forgiven. It is just as important to understand how you make your wins so you not only can reproduce them, but you can also help others along as well. When we are aware of our strengths, we get to experience pride in ourselves and boost our self-confidence and self-esteem. THE TAKE HOME Self-awareness builds a bridge between self-condemnation and self-love.š It builds a bridge between self-doubt and self-confidence. It brings you to a place of healing for your wounds. It brings you to a place of efficiency in your successes. It is not a once off thing, but a way of life. Also, share of yourself with those you need to as you get clearer and continuously evolve as a human being. It can only strengthen your relationships. When you understand who you are, why you are, what you are, where you are, where you were and where you are going, not even you can stand in your way. Fam, let’s please start the hard work to get healing for ourselves, our families and our communities. Let’s first gain an M.Me (Masters in the subject of Me), and then we can
Purpose isn’t something to be chased…
Get in Touch Purpose isn’t something to be chased… Your gifts, abilities and talents are all tied to your purpose. Align these to your roles and you are walking in purpose. PurposeĀ isĀ a hot topic currently. There’s talk about walking in purpose; pursuing my purpose; finding my purpose; finding a purpose partner, and so forth. And other people be out here confused and disillusioned when they reflect about their own journeys! A doctor friend of mine once relayed to me, in a discouraged tone, that she’s in an existential crisis because she did not feel like she was walking in her purpose. I hear a lot of ‘I’m not sure what my purpose is’ in my coaching. I’m not going to lie, I used to wonder about my purpose myself. All the these led me to pursue the meaning of the word, and to decide that part of my assignment as a coach was to bring people to a place of alignment with their purpose. Hey, I’m Shibu, a Self-Mastery & Purpose Coachš. I digress. My understanding of purpose derives from dictionaries and the Bible: Purpose is simply the reason/intention for which something was made/created. When the Creator considered creating humans (called ‘adams’ in Genesis, Hebrew translation), He said to do so in His image, so that they will subdue the earth and have dominion over everything else He created on it. There, that was the purposeĀ of human creation! That was, IS, your purpose. I know it’s simplistic, it shouldn’t be complicated either. So how were two people supposed to subdue and dominate this vast earth? He charged them first to be ‘fruitful and multiply’. What would they be multiplying? His image, His likeness, His nature. In human race multiplying, they would automatically multiply His nature. What is this nature? The seed that God put in you. Your gifts, your talents. And, He puts different measures in each person. Your internal nature to be a creator, an encourager, a nurturer, a provider, a teacher, a healer, an advocate, a writer, etc., is theĀ workĀ assigned to you to multiply. If you read your Bible, aren’t these all attributes of God? When the first adam was made, his place of dominion (the earth to subdue) and a small part of the earth (garden of Eden) within which to do his work, were already in existence. He is created a male (an externalĀ workĀ related attribute), and given a gardenerĀ role. Later he is a husband and a father. I hear people say ‘my purpose in life is to be a wife’. I ask: Was being a gardener the purpose or a role through which Adam could do the work of nurturing? Is a role the purpose? This is what we learn from the account of creation: We have aĀ universal purposeĀ as humankind. This remains constant. We are given different abilities to do theĀ worksĀ tied to this purpose. I’m confident these are also constant because the Bible says a calling is irrevocable. These give us our positive passions, inclinations, and desires. We are then assigned places to do our work in, our roles or gardens of Eden if you will. These places are environments and the people divinely assigned to you to do your work in and through. They are the only ones on the entire earth who will hear/receive what you have to say/do for them! You are a goldmine to them! This is where your value is realized. And because this is where most confusion is experienced, I’ll mention this: In Christian circles, I understand a calling to be your work and assignment a role. Roles can be in relationships and careers. Notably, roles change. Yes, we use our roles to define our identities, but we should only do so as a last layer and not be attached to them as our core identities. If you are a husband, what happens when you lose your job? Do you stop your work of providing? Should you not continue providing security, comfort, support, etc. to your family? Also, and I hope this does not rattle any cages but, as a case in point with my doctor friend, I have to ask this: just because you were given the ability to heal, does it mean you have to be a doctor to do it? You can certainly heal through food! I mean that chocolate cake with the 70% dark chocolate ganache is some heavenly medicine! To end the people’s confusion, let’s stop ascribing to this idea that purpose is something to be chased. No, you already came with a purpose and works built in. The greatest issue, at the end of the day, is wisely aligning your roles to your God-given abilities/gifts/talents. Don’t be a wife when you know that the humility of submitting is not your skill. O o, did I rattle again? Same applies to men. Submitting is for both parties. Bible say submit to one another. I firmly believe this: You don’t develop a new talent or ability. You had it in you all along, covered, undiscovered. Nothing is new under the sun. However, you nurture talent, you build it up, you fan it up. TAKE HOME As long as there’s alignment with the abilities you are divinely given, you are walking in purpose and you will be fruitful! You won’t feel unfulfilled, frustrated and/or dissatisfied. If you were to park your Bentley in the garage and forget about it, yes it beautifies your garage, but car enthusiasts will have a field day with you: ‘These cars were made to be driven! You are actually damaging it if you don’t drive it!’ That is exactly why it is an existential crisis for a person, who is far more valuable than a Bentley, to not be walking in purpose, or be feeling like that. This epiphany hit me like a ton of bricks and liberated me from the chase: If God made me with a purpose in mind, then I’m valuable for just existing. And maybe even, my
From death to life: How a death investigator became a life coach!
Get in Touch From death to life: How a death investigator became a life coach! Life has a way of leading us down unexpected paths, often revealing our true callings in the most unconventional of circumstances. For me, the journey towards becoming a life transformation coach was born from a place of self-discovery and a need for healing, and an unquenchable desire to help others find their own inner power and fulfillment. After being in medical practice for just over 20 yrs, I gave myself the permission to find and do something I am passionate about. Hereās my story to becoming a life transformation coach and how they can help others. I often jokingly say that Forensic Pathology chose me. I vividly recall a moment during my community service year as a clinician when I found myself sitting on some steps, overwhelmed by depression, exhaustion, and burnout. This wasnāt exactly the healthiest foundation for any relationship, let alone one with a profession. My foray into life coaching was nothing short of a life-or-death situation, pun highly intended. I deal with death everyday as a pathologist, and perhaps in some way that, unlike when I started, is slowly ebbing my life away. All in all, I reached an existential crisis, questioning my identity and overall sense of fulfillment. At times, it felt as though I was on the brink of disintegrating into my atomic particles and disappearing into thin air. My story is rooted in my upbringing and early experiences. We affectionately nicknamed my mother the āminister of adviceā as she possessed an innate desire to see the best in people. I, too, had an inclination towards encouraging others from a young age, but back then, it took the form of being a non-judgmental listener and asking thought-provoking questions. However, even though I had a natural aptitude for helping others, I often struggled to feel seen or like I belonged, especially during my school years. I also felt this when classmates sought my assistance with math problems, a task I would impatiently help them with. But math wasnāt where my true passion lay’ it was in the intimate conversations I had with popular girls who confided in me about their life issues. Throughout my life, I had a deep desire to empower others, to make them realize the incredible potential they held within themselves. I often encountered individuals who felt disempowered, hindered by past traumas or negative conditioning. I would leave frustrated because no matter how hard I encouraged, I could not really speak to their inner man. This challenge struck a chord with me because I had faced similar struggles, stemming from childhood trauma. Much had been taken from me as a result, which I needed to reclaim. I also understood that I had to work on my healing first before I could attempt to help others. I had to put the oxygen mask on myself first. I embarked on my own journey of healing, first through therapy, and then through transformation coaching. When I began to work through the emotional baggage and rubble, I experienced a transformation ā both physically and mentally. I felt lighter and looked lighter. The journey continues. As I explored life transformation coaching and learned techniques to connect with a personās inner self and unlock their godly nature, I discovered a newfound sense of purpose. The fulfillment I experienced was beyond words. So, what exactly is the role of a life transformation coach (LTC)? An LTC serves as a bridge to fast-track the journey from your current undesired state or life problem to your desired outcome or solution. They not only motivate you to get there but they empower and equip you to get there. Here are 10 ways they can help: Clarifying and Crafting Goals: They can assist you in formulating and crafting your goals more effectively, giving you tools and strategizing with you about how to achieve them. Motivation and Accountability: They provide the motivation and accountability needed to take physical and mental actions toward your objectives. Identifying True Values: They help you differentiate between what you genuinely value and what you say you value, and align them to each other. Resolving Inner Conflicts: They guide you in quieting the internal conflicts and disagreements between your empowered and disempowered selves. These discords keep you stuck and limit you from achieving your desired outcomes. Emotional Mastery: LTCs assist you in handling and responding to negative emotions disproportionately triggered in various situations. You’re then able to respond and not react. This increases your emotional intelligence. Releasing Negative Emotions Associated with Trauma: You can learn to let go of those emotions that weigh you down and sap creative and healing energy. Changing Behaviors/Attitudes: Habits are difficult things to break, let alone on your own. LTCs can help reprogram your mind to expedite the process of changing behaviors and attitudes. Changing Limiting Beliefs: LTCs help you remove beliefs and patterns that hinder your success and replace them with empowering ones. Self-Image Transformation: They aid in transforming your self-image to one that empowers you and attracts what you desire. Boosting Self-Worth and Confidence: LTCs can help you assert your self-worth and enhance your self-confidence. LTCs draw from a range of disciplines, including Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), Psychology, Psycho-cybernetics, Quantum Physics, Neuroscience, and Religion. These diverse concepts and techniques aim to renew and unlock the power of your mind, allowing you to embrace your original, empowered, and godly self. As echoed by our coaching servicesā name, life transformation coaching is getting you aligned and Harmonized with the life you are called for, empowering you to tap into your original Resourced self, and Manifesting your life of purpose and fulfilment through your desired goals. TAKE HOME In my journey from a clinician to a forensic pathologist to a life transformation coach, Iāve come to realize that, as pertains to my calling of healing, my true fulfillment comes from helping others discover their inner strength and achieve mental prosperity. I encourage you to explore the power of life transformation coaching,